Chuck@chuckoakes.com 

June 2, 2006

Chuck Oakes is an entertaining speaker, consultant and experienced caregiver with first-hand knowledge of homecare. With over twenty years helping individuals and organizations cope with change, he now expands his writing and speaking to include the “Aging of America”. As a certified “Aging in Place Specialist” from the National Association of Homebuilders, Chuck shares his experience and knowledge with us through a series of essays. His book, MAKING YOUR HOME SENIOR-FRIENDLY, addresses many challenges that families experience in supporting and caring for aging loved ones. The book is sold through www.Amazon.com and many other on-line bookstores. For more information: www.chuckoakes.com. This is the first of a series of essays pertaining to the aging of America, the challenges of caregiving and aging in place. 

The Art of Caregiving

You are reading this essay because, either you are suffering from insomnia, or perhaps had some time to kill….or just maybe, you are a caregiver seeking recommendations and advice from someone who has been where you are today!

When approached to write a series of articles on care-giving, aging loved ones and home renovation-related topics, I didn’t know where to begin. Do I begin with a life event that precipitates a life change, do I begin with an aging loved one….or with the caregiver. As the primary caregiver for my family, I am compelled to begin with the function and role of the primary caregiver. My personal experience and hence, perspective is in terms of providing care and support for my aging parents. Many of the approaches and techniques are applicable for people with disabilities of any age.

Caregivers come in all shapes, sizes, ages, talent and background level. Some are volunteers, some are family members…others are professional with designations such as a Certified Nursing Assistant. My writings and presentations concern the role of caregiving and not specific positions or titles. 

The role of the caregiver, whether professional or personal, is a critical and extremely valuable one. Unfortunately, the caregiving profession isn’t as developed in terms of compensation, training and recruitment to reflect the importance of the job. As a result, securing a qualified and compassionate caregiver can be a daunting challenge. Matching the qualifications, talents and availability with the needs of your loved one becomes time-consuming and tedious. 

Do It Yourself?

Providing personal care yourself to a loved one becomes very time-consuming, stressful and requires much thought and preparation; some of which will be included in a future essay. I heard recently, “If you are planning to care for a loved one yourself, prepare yourself to give up your life for them”. Profound words that we will address in a future essay. The time requirements can be daunting and unrealistic for many of us. 

The actual and specific duties of a professional caregiver or Aide are regulated by state and are not included in our essay today. The bottom line--- are the needs of your loved one(s) being met adequately by family members, friends and/or professional Aides.

Caregiving can be rewarding, either part-time or full-time. Family members and friends learn how to provide quality care over time.

Time to smell the coffee—(the realities of the job)

• Duties can be messy, demeaning and very basic (depending on the needs of the patient/loved one being served.)
• Compensation can be disappointing, especially when one utilizes an agency for contractual work. The agency takes their cut and pays the worker a fraction of what the family pays the agency.
• Training is usually limited for most jobs; but is required for certain positions, such as Certified Nursing Assistant
• Burn-out is common 
• Patience, tact, diplomacy and compassion are essential elements for caregivers to survive and be effective in their roles.

The Care and Feeding of the Caregiver

Being a caregiver is easier when you live close to your parents. It becomes very challenging when distance is a problem. Part of this preparation for becoming a caregiver is to adequately evaluate the practical elements of the supportive role.

Realistic expectations

There are several key components of the care-giving role that I am compelled to share at this time. After three years as the primary supporter of my folks, I am familiar with many aspects of the role. Let’s begin with some basic assumptions:

• Anticipate that many of your helpful ideas, suggestions and recommendation to be questioned or considered with much reluctance. The status quo is always more comfortable and certainly more convenient than any changes, regardless of how important or practical the changes might be. “Change” is to be avoided in the minds of many seniors.
• Interpersonal communication in the household can become strained, especially in cases of hearing impairments. The use of hearing enhancement devices can be helpful, but only when used! Many people simple don’t use them, for various reasons. Raising one’s voice to be heard can unintentionally convey an attitude of resentment, anger, frustration, etc. Be aware of the dangers of raising your voice. Your tone is important! There are other methods to be understood by a hearing impaired individual….try speaking slowly and distinctly directly to them…in front of them; at the very least, speak to each other in the same room!
• Your life, as a caregiver, may become very crowded and stressful, while that of the family or individual that you are supporting will probably slow down. The caregiver cannot be in a rush! Activities and communication are all toned down and slowed down. It simply takes longer for many seniors and individuals with disabilities. Be patient! I have frequently felt in a constant rush, or deadline. This is probably caused due to my own responsibilities in addition to supporting my parents. This constant feeling of pressure and stress can take its toll on your health and wellness.
• Taking care of yourself, while necessary, can be interpreted as indulgent and self-centered by those you serve. Take time to reenergize, recoup, regroup and recharge your own batteries! It is essential.
• Know your own strengths and limitations for providing effective support. Going beyond your limitations or tolerance can be disastrous for everyone.

Care for the caregiver

There may be times when you, as the caregiver, cannot cope alone with the ordeal, challenges and responsibilities of supporting a loved one with disabilities regardless of age. It is then that you need to know the symptoms of potential problems and to act before it is too late, my friend. Here are a few symptoms:

• Harsh and insensitive responses to simple questions and comments …from anyone! Frequent irritability and impatience with yourself and others. 
• Constant fatigue
• Poor sleeping
• Feeling overwhelmed for long periods of time
• Lack of hope and happiness

When the oxygen runs low…take a breather! 

When you’re feeling pressured and stressed, start by taking ten deep breaths! Restore some good air you’re your lungs! Remind yourself that on the airlines when the oxygen runs low or the pressure in the cabin becomes insufficient, the masks descend from the ceiling of the aircraft. The instructions are to cover YOUR own mouth before assisting your traveling dependent (child or other)!! Although common sense, it is important to remember. Everyone has difficult days, no matter how patient you are! 

Knowing how to navigate the potholes and speedbumps 
in life is an essential skill for survival today!

“Feeding” of the caregiver—

Compensation, nutrition, return-on-investment, intrinsic pay-back and other forms of “feeding” are important considerations when entering or assuming the role of caregiver. If you have the opportunity, carefully evaluate your own expectations, limitations and needs prior to electing to perform serious care giving duties. In reality, family members are thrust into the role without preparation, training or careful assessment of needs, etc. We must learn "on the fly" and do what we can along the way. 

Proper nutrition, rest, exercise and other human needs are important but too often get deferred or put aside as a “non-priority”. I find myself casting away my own needs, business, personal desires and lifestyle to attend to my aging loved ones in their /time of crisis. Their “time of crisis” has lasted for about eighteen months and I am feeling as if I am “running on empty”. A car can only run so far without gas…. likewise, we humans can only exist so long without proper support, sustenance, care and nutrition. Know when the time for action and change is at hand!

Compensation, nutrition, return-on-investment, intrinsic pay-back and other forms of “feeding” are important considerations when entering or assuming the role of caregiver. If you have the opportunity, carefully evaluate your own expectations, limitations and needs prior to electing to perform serious care giving duties. In reality, family members are thrust into the role without preparation, training or careful assessment of needs, etc.

Proper nutrition, rest and other human needs are important but too often get deferred or put aside as a “non-priority”. I find myself casting away my own needs, desires and lifestyle to attend to my aging loved ones in their time of crisis. This “time of crisis” has lasted for about eighteen months and I am feeling as if I am “running on empty”. A car can only run so far without gas….likewise, we humans can only exist so long without proper support, sustenance, care and nutrition.

Tips for your own wellness—

Build into your own weekly schedule, some exercise, proper nutrition and rest. I know what you’re thinking, I must be on drugs….or perhaps should be!! The reality is that you cannot do a good job for others when you are ill or run down!

• Balance and blend- Easier said than done, but essential. Schedule hobbies, crafts, sociability and other things that are important to YOU into your weekly routine. Skills, sports and things you enjoy are generally things you are good at and get benefit from doing. Consequently, in times of distress, it often helps to make time to do those things you used to enjoy, especially when they require skill. Most importantly, they give you satisfaction.
• Stay connected with your friends and family members.
• Enjoy life, when you can. Learn, or perhaps relearn, how to laugh and smile! Don’t feel guilty about having fun and enjoying life.
• Learn about the benefits of aromatherapy, good music, meditation, yoga and other helpful techniques and philosophies to get you through the stressful times. 
• “Feeding for the Caregiver”—remember that you are what you eat! In simple terms, what and how we feed ourselves impact our performance and overall wellness. 
• Remember, life can be rewarding, fun and a positive journey.
• Never postpone doing something nice for someone else or expressing your love for them. Life can change in a heartbeat!
• Knowing when to reach for help and more information is important. Your local hospital or healthcare provider may have support groups in your area. 

Here are two sources for further research:

The National Family Caregivers Association
Toll free: 1-800-896-3650
Phone: 301-942-6430 
info@thefamilycaregiver.org

Caring Connections
Toll free: 1-800-658-8898
caringinfo@nhpco.org
www.caringinfo.org

return to my website